51吃瓜

I'm sitting here in the Fayetteville Free Library in Upstate New York wondering if 鈥渇ree library鈥� is redundant. I鈥檓 also wondering what I鈥檓 going to write about for my January column, and it鈥檚 not going to be about New Year鈥檚 resolutions, clean slates, starting fresh and all those other horrid ­clich茅s that only remind me of how miserably I failed in my intentions for 2018. Adding insult to injury, my birthday is December 30, so I still have those 鈥渇unny鈥� cards lying around that begin with 鈥淵ou鈥檙e not getting older, you鈥檙e (fill in degrading insult.)鈥� I feel like having my wife return them with a note saying, 鈥淯nfortunately, my beloved husband, John, died the night before his birthday and did not get a chance to read your thoughtful card. Given his present condition, however, I believe he would fail to see the humor.鈥�

So what will I write about? Wait a minute! Wasn鈥檛 I just thinking about the library? And aren鈥檛 Toastmasters eager readers, always seeking to improve their language skills? That鈥檚 it. I鈥檒l write about libraries.

First, a brief history (which I generally prefer to long histories). Some 5,000 years ago in Mesopotamia (now Iraq), they started archiving commercial transactions on heavy, one-inch-thick clay tablets. This was around 2600 B.C. and marked both the end of pre-history and the beginning of hernia operations. Then the Egyptians invented papyrus, which allowed for the production of codexes (the forerunners of books), so you could fit a lot more writing on the shelves. This eventually led to the biggest library in the ancient world, the Library of Alexandria. Some believed that if you read every book in that famous building, you would know everything there was to know in the then-known world. A few did, and made history as the first human beings to be referred to as insufferable bores.

Not to be outdone, the Roman consul Asinius Pollio constructed the first public library in Rome to rival Alexandria. There were no late fees. If you failed to return a book on time, they just fed you to the lions. That鈥檚 why to this day Italians are fast readers.

In the Middle Ages, the monks ­compiled huge libraries of beautifully ornate, hand-copied tomes that were chained to the shelves. If you did manage to pilfer one, they chained you to the shelf until you repeated 鈥淭hou shalt not steal鈥� four hundred million times.

Somewhere along the way, the Chinese blew everybody out of the water by inventing both paper and moveable type, which inevitably paved the way for Gutenberg and the printing press. Now the cat was out of the bag. Anybody could own a book.

America didn鈥檛 have a library until 1731 when Benjamin Franklin, who invented everything the Chinese didn鈥檛, founded the Library Company of Philadelphia. This prompted U.S. Presi­dent James Madison to propose the Congressional Library in 1783. A section of the executive order for the Library read: 鈥淚t is no longer permissible for politicians to know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Every member of the House and Senate is now required to read at least ONE BOOK so he knows something. ANYTHING.鈥�

Of course, one cannot talk about libraries without mentioning librarians, who ­happen to be my favorite people in the whole world. Every one I鈥檝e ever encountered has been polite, helpful, knowledgeable and soft-spoken. I even took an online test to see if I qualified for the profession. I don鈥檛. The results said I lack 鈥渟oft skills,鈥� which basically means I鈥檓 not a people person. And they would not be wrong. I鈥檓 not even a person person. But some famous people have started out as librarians, including Mao Tse-tung, Pope Pius XI and鈥攚ait for it鈥擟asanova. Soft skills, indeed.

So much for libraries. Now back to my burning question: Is 鈥渇ree library鈥� redundant? It isn鈥檛, and the librarian told me why. I鈥檝e never been called ignorant in such a polite, helpful, knowledgeable, soft-spoken way.