51吃瓜

Illustration by Bart Browne

Dear Journal,

Well, this will be a new experience for me. I鈥檝e been reading about the positive effects of journaling and they鈥檙e pretty amazing. It can decrease symptoms of asthma (which I don鈥檛 have but you never know), improve cognitive functioning, boost the immune system, reduce stress, help you sleep better and supposedly even make wounds heal faster! (I鈥檝e had a nasty cold sore for a week. We鈥檒l see.) That seems like an awful lot just for scribbling a few words on a piece of paper, but apparently there鈥檚 a lot of real scientific research that says it鈥檚 all true. They say journaling is particularly good for anxiety and depression because it鈥檚 like talking to a therapist without having to read old copies of People magazine in the waiting room, fight with your insurance company and get a three-week visit from old Mr. Separation Anxiety when your therapist goes on vacation.

So here I am鈥攎y first day of journaling. Actually, that鈥檚 not true. I started a gratitude journal at the beginning of 2018 and stopped at January 19, not because I鈥檓 not grateful but because I started repeating myself. On January 1, I was grateful for my wife, my children and my health. January 2, I was grateful for my friends, my house and my financial security. January 3, I was grateful for my food (except for kale), my PepsiCo stock increasing by 25 cents a share and my programmable thermostat. It went on like this, with my entries seeming more and more trivial. By January 17, I was really forcing it, saying I was grateful for the beautiful snow that had fallen the night before (which I would have to shovel, so maybe not so much), the majestic pine tree in our front yard鈥攚hich I鈥檓 always afraid will fall and crush our house鈥攁nd 鈥� and 鈥� I couldn鈥檛 even think of a third one, so I said I was grateful my cats didn鈥檛 have feline leukemia. That was it. On January 18, when I went back to being grateful for more important things, like my wife, my children and my health, I realized I was repeating myself and wrote on January 19, Look, I know I鈥檓 a lucky guy. When I have something new to be grateful for, I鈥檒l let you know. So I ended my gratitude journal.

But this is different. This will help me understand myself better. Jungian analysts say there鈥檚 a 45-minute window between the time you wake up and the time your ego kicks in to police your thoughts. So if you start writing as soon as you get up, your unconscious鈥攚here all the answers supposedly reside鈥攚ill be free to speak without interruption. So here it is: 7 a.m. What鈥檚 on my mind? Let鈥檚 see 鈥� I鈥檓 thinking of 鈥� my fourth-grade English teacher, Mrs. Stanton. I had a crush on her, but her husband was a policeman and I got scared he鈥檇 find out and put me in jail. (I was 9 years old.) Maybe that鈥檚 why I get hives around authority figures! Wow! A breakthrough insight already! What else? Well, I鈥檒l just write stream of consciousness-style ... Let鈥檚 see 鈥� I pretend I like kale but sometimes I spit it in my napkin ... I still feel guilty about reading my sister鈥檚 diary when I was 9... I think Anna Karenina is actually a little contrived (wow! where did that come from?) 鈥� there鈥檚 a blue jay squawking in the tree outside鈥攂eautiful to look at but irritating to listen to鈥攕ort of like the Kardashians 鈥� oh no, I鈥檓 thinking about the Kardashians! Maybe I should stop reading the National Enquirer at the checkout counter. Another insight!

They say your journal entries don鈥檛 have to be long鈥攖hey can even be just one sentence鈥攁nd here I鈥檝e already filled a page. Do I talk too much? Maybe that鈥檚 another insight. Wow鈥攆our new discoveries about myself in 45 minutes. What else? I wonder why I鈥檓 so anxious about 鈥� about 鈥� no, I don鈥檛 want to think about that. But I should. Why can鈥檛 I? I know鈥攎y ego just woke up and is repressing the bad stuff. Guess I鈥檒l have to wait till tomorrow morning to start again before my ego wakes up. Maybe I鈥檒l find out why I鈥檓 afraid of tuna fish.