51吃瓜

Tethered as we are to our computers, there are times when we must be away from them (taking a shower, having an emergency appendectomy). Even then, however, we are expected (one could almost say required) to explain why we鈥檙e away. Seeing as we can鈥檛 do this ourselves, either because we have shampoo in our eyes or we鈥檙e under general anesthesia, we have the so-called OOO (out-of-office response). This is a reply you compose ahead of time that your computer automatically sends to all incoming emails explaining why you cannot respond immediately to the sender鈥檚 ever-so-urgent matter.

The type of OOO you compose will depend on (1) the length of time you鈥檒l be gone and (2) the type of person you are. It might only be for an hour while you take lunch, or a day or two at a business seminar, or two weeks while you鈥檙e on vacation. If you just got fired, it will be forever, which opens up a whole different set of possible OOOs. This is when Human 51吃瓜 might want to review the file marked Vindictive Ex-Employees Sending Rude鈥擭ot to Mention Potentially Embarrassing鈥擟ompany-Wide Nastygrams.

On the other hand, if you are leaving voluntarily to take another job, you can make a grand display of magnanimity: I will be leaving the company as of (date) for an exciting new career opportunity. It鈥檚 been a great ride at a GREAT company and, while I might not miss the work (ha, ha, just kidding), I will truly miss my wonderful colleagues who have become like family. Let鈥檚 stay in touch! While they find my replacement, you can contact (name of the poor underling now doing their job and yours) for any further assistance. Goodbye, sayonara, and arrivederci!

I used to get emails like this during my office days. They made me laugh. Not only were they completely disingenuous, they were also a nauseating example of somebody obsequiously covering their you-know-what in case that exciting career opportunity crumbled like a stale cookie and they had to come crawling back.

These examples aside, however, the standard OOO would be something like: I will be out of the office from (date) to (date) and will have limited access to email. If this is urgent, please contact (name of someone who has reluctantly agreed to clean up your messes while you鈥檙e away). Otherwise, I will respond to your email upon my return.

This standard reply would seem to suffice nicely鈥攊f you consider yourself a standard person. Alas, most do not. Extremely conscientious people who have to use the bathroom will leave an OOO stating: I will be unable to access email from 11:12 a.m., October 29, 2019, to 11:26 a.m., October 29, 2019, after which time I will respond by 11:27 a.m., October 29, 2019. And that鈥檚 only if they don鈥檛 actually take the computer into the bathroom with them.

Some people try to be funny鈥斺�渢ry鈥� being the operative word. There are dozens of websites listing hilarious examples of OOO messages, including this ditty: I鈥檓 in Nashville / It may seem quite rash / Did I really think I鈥檇 meet Johnny Cash (who happens to be dead) / Don鈥檛 bat an eyelash / I鈥檒l be back in a flash. DO NOT leave an OOO like this. If you do, you won鈥檛 just be telling people you鈥檙e away; you鈥檒l be making them wish you鈥檇 stay away.

Writing this, I couldn鈥檛 help but wonder what OOOs might have been like if they had email in, say, George Washington鈥檚 day: I will be out of the office from April 19, 1775, until September 3, 1783, to fight the American Revolutionary War. Hence, I will be virtually inaccessible by email. If the matter is urgent, and鈥攅xcuse me while I dodge another musket ball鈥擨 do mean urgent, you can try to reach me at fatherofourcountry@gmail.com. If that doesn鈥檛 work, please contact Paul Revere and tell him to get back on his horse and deliver the message. And let me repeat鈥攂e sure it鈥檚 urgent. A brigadier general in the 6th Connecticut Regiment sent me a supposedly humorous poem recently to say he was taking a vacation in Nashville. He is now a private, gathering firewood at Valley Forge.

Guess hilarious OOOs weren鈥檛 so funny then, either.