51吃瓜

Illustration by Bart Browne

How鈥檚 your love tank? If it鈥檚 on Full you can skip this column and go back to binge watching The Great British Bake Off. If it鈥檚 on Empty, start reading. You may find just what you need to move the needle. I鈥檓 talking about The 5 Love Languages庐: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., a marriage counselor from North Carolina. If you haven鈥檛 heard of The 5 Love Languages, you鈥檙e living too far off the grid, my friend. This is a book that鈥檚 been selling steadily for over 25 years to the tune of 12 million copies in 50 different languages. And it鈥檚 all about filling your love tank, which is Mr. Chapman鈥檚 way of saying getting the love you need. (I wish he hadn鈥檛 used the word 鈥渢ank.鈥� It sounds like you might need an oil change, too.)

But there鈥檚 no quarreling with success. Many of those 12 million readers claim Mr. Chapman鈥檚 book did nothing less than save their marriages by telling them 鈥渢he secret to love that lasts.鈥� Because it doesn鈥檛, you know鈥攁t least not the fun part. Every couple remembers the intoxication of new love鈥攖he butterflies in the stomach, the thrill of a touch. It鈥檚 that irresistible emotion that impels you to vow before God and man that you will love and cherish your perfect mate until the end of time.

Which, according to research, turns out to be about two years.

This is when 鈥渢he honeymoon is over,鈥� as we say鈥攁 euphemism for that slow but inevitable transition from 鈥淵ou鈥檙e everything I dreamed of鈥� to the beginning of 鈥淲hen did you become so annoying?鈥� Mr. Chapman counseled many married couples and found that this disillusion stemmed from miscommunication. After hearing the same complaints over and over, he concluded that there were five basic ways people relate lovingly, each having its own 鈥渓anguage,鈥� and the unhappy couples simply weren鈥檛 speaking the same language, like someone saying 鈥淚 love you鈥� in Chinese to a person who only understands Greek.

The author defines these languages as affirmation (compliments, encouragement, appreciation), quality time (doing things together), receiving gifts (cards, flowers, jewelry), acts of service (doing the dishes, mowing the lawn), and physical touch (holding hands, hugging, affectionate arm squeezes). The problem is that if the husband loves, say, acts of service, he will assume his wife feels the same way, when in fact her real need (language) is different鈥攑erhaps for affirmation. Consequently, he might do the laundry and then feel disappointed when his wife doesn鈥檛 hire a skywriting plane to say THANK YOU! To her it鈥檚 just part of sharing household chores. And she, who needs appreciation, will feel neglected when he doesn鈥檛 alert the national media about her promotion to assistant manager. Given this dynamic, I鈥檇 say the Chinese and the Greek have a better shot than these two.

This is where Chapman rides to the rescue by encouraging couples to read his book together, learn each other鈥檚 love language, and then act accordingly. Once they鈥檙e speaking the same language, each will feel loved and their relationship will blossom. It may not be the heady infatuation of their youth, but it won鈥檛 be the Marriage Marathon of Misery either.

Of course, the first thing is knowing what your love language is, which you can discover by taking a test that asks you to choose one selection from 30 paired statements. For instance, 鈥�It鈥檚 more meaningful to me when (A) She puts her arm around me when we鈥檙e in public, or (B) she surprises me with a gift. Well, my wife already does (A). I鈥檓 sure love is involved, but it鈥檚 more to keep me from walking into lamp posts and knocking over baby carriages.

I took the test myself and it turns out my love tank needs premium fuel鈥攏ot one language but two: acts of service and affirmation. (I鈥檓 a needy person.) So when my wife gets home I鈥檓 going to ask her to power wash the house and nominate me for a Pulitzer Prize. I鈥檓 sure she鈥檒l have some language for that.