51吃瓜

We’re fortunate to live in a globalized world where every social outing, business meeting, or Toastmasters gathering has the potential to bring you in contact with people from other cultures and life circumstances.

But along with that increased exposure comes an increased number of questions about what is and what isn’t appropriate to ask someone from a culture or background different than your own. How do you balance your own natural curiosity and genuine desire for connection with respect for other people’s boundaries and cultural norms?

Experts say there are several steps you can take to authentically engage with others without offending them, including connecting with people as individuals, educating yourself about cultural norms, remaining genuinely curious, and being willing to apologize if you cause offense.

Personal Connection

A good first step is to make sure you engage with the person as an individual, not as a symbol of their race or background, says Fiona Swee-Lin Price, Ph.D., a cross-cultural communication specialist based in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.

“I talk to a lot of people in Australia whose families came to Australia from Northeast Africa as refugees, and they say, ‘They mean well, but white people are always asking me about two things: my experiences of racism and being a refugee,’” says Price, a member of Williamstown Club in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. “‘Can’t they talk to me as a person and ask me about things in my life that you would talk to anyone about?’”

Price says even though it’s tempting and perhaps even seems noble to ask about how hard it is to endure racism or the difficulties of being a refugee, those topics may arise in a more natural fashion later, once you’ve established a personal connection.

“They tell me they’d like to be talked to about the things they’re doing in their life, the things they’re studying, their friends, their interests—talked to as a person, rather than as a symbol of oppression,” she says. “Are you a person who plays the guitar? A person who is interested in studying languages? That perception of someone as ‘other,’ even if it’s well-intended, gets in the way of engaging as a human being.”

Similarly, Price says, asking someone where they’re from, or about their clothes or accent, can be seen as a form of “othering,” which can cause individuals to feel as if they are different and do not fit in. This has the potential to put someone on the defensive and hinder a genuine connection. Instead, she suggests asking a skills-based question such as “What languages do you speak?” or a simple open-ended statement such as “Tell me about yourself.”

“If someone has recently migrated from another country, that will be front and center in their mind when you ask that, and they will probably bring it up themselves,” she says. However, if someone from a different area has been in your country for a while, they may talk about other things. “That’s letting them shape the direction of the conversation. If they want to talk about their experience of immigration or being a refugee or racism, it lets them take the lead, rather than imposing your own preconceptions on them.”

Do Your Homework

You don’t always know in advance when you’ll be interacting with someone from another culture or background, but if you do know beforehand, it doesn’t hurt to do some research on the person’s culture. Pellegrino Riccardi, a cross-cultural expert from the United Kingdom who now lives in Oslo, Norway, says new technology makes research easier—though you should always double-check its accuracy.

“In the old days, I would have to look up the culture of the country—body language, where you can show the soles of your feet, personal space, dynamics,” he says. “Now, I just go to ChatGPT: ‘I am talking to someone from this country. Is there anything I should avoid, to avoid cultural clashes or offending?’ You’ve got to learn to prompt it, ask it, ‘What’s your source? Where did you get this from?’ but it’s great that kind of information is instantly available.”

Researching beforehand can also help you understand the social rules and norms in different cultures. Experts say communicating effectively across cultures and backgrounds requires both social awareness—the general ability to understand and relate to others and to react to body language and other social cues—and cultural awareness, the awareness that different cultures have different norms when it comes to what types of questions are appropriate to ask.

“I remember when I traveled to India, people would ask, ‘Where are you from?’ and ‘Are you married?’ Those were the first two questions,” Price says. “In Australia, those questions would not go down well. It’s not really a question people ask. Social rules and norms in one culture can be very different from what they’re like in another. A lot of the friction between cultures arises because of where those rules differ.”

Taking time to research and understand different cultures can prepare you for these types of interactions and help you avoid offending someone.

Remain Curious

Although researching is good for background, genuine curiosity is more likely to get a genuine response, Riccardi says.

“You can ask any question about anything, provided it’s done in the right way with the right intention, the right vibe,” he says. “People love it when you’re curious about them—they really do.”

As an example, Riccardi recalls the time he was seated at an event next to a man from Oman who had two wives.

“You probably should not ask questions about that, but I had to know. I was fascinated,” he recalls. “We were eating together, talking about normal things like family, weather, job, and then I put on my curious face, which is not difficult, because I am really curious, and I said, ‘Do you mind if I ask you a bit of a personal question?’”

What made the conversation possible, Riccardi says, was his genuine curiosity and his ability to employ empathetic listening to remain culturally aware.

“Empathic listening is listening for the emotion, listening for the person behind the conversation, and putting all judgement aside,” he says. “I’m not trying to solve any problems; I’m not trying to convert you or prove you wrong or prove I’m right. There’s none of that. It’s like reading a book and turning the pages: ‘Cool.’ ‘Oh, wow.’ ‘I had no idea.’ It’s that kind of approach.”

The Art of Apology

If you do offend someone with a question you ask, it’s important to be just as genuine with your apology, Riccardi says.

“You can say something like, ‘I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention.’ Sometimes I ask, ‘Could you tell me what I said that was offensive?’ And if they’re willing to tell me, I say, ‘Thanks for teaching me. I’m really glad I’ve learned something new. I’ll be more mindful next time.’ Humility goes a long way.”

It’s also important, he says, not to beat yourself up if you upset someone by asking an insensitive question.

“That’s how you learn, and that’s how you build resilience as well,” he says. “By getting things wrong, feeling the discomfort, explaining yourself, and negotiating an interaction with another person.”

Price adds that another strategy for dealing with offense caused by a poorly worded question is to immediately reframe the conversation—defuse the awkwardness by attempting to connect with the person as an individual.

“Redirect the conversation so you’re asking questions that you’d ask of anybody, rather than immediately asking questions about their cultural background,” she says.

When Traveling Abroad

Much of the conversation around cultural awareness and communication involves speaking with people from other cultures and backgrounds whom you encounter in your everyday life. Similarly, when you travel somewhere—or are in a situation where you’re the outsider—make a point of communicating as an “outsider” and notice how people communicate with you.

In those situations, Riccardi says, it’s important to enter conversations with a sense of humility and an arsenal of questions that can quickly create connection.

“I often ask things like, ‘What’s your most important holiday of the year?’ or ‘What’s the biggest day for families?’” he says. “Then I just let them talk. You don’t even need to ask another question. You just listen and pick up on things they’re saying: ‘Oh, tell me more about that.’ ‘Oh, that sounds fascinating.’ They may ask you a similar question, and now we’ve got a conversation.”

And if you don’t speak the language? Try talking about soccer, he advises.

“Soccer, or football, is one of the big icebreakers around the world,” he says.

Take the Plunge

You always have another option when it comes to engaging with people from other cultures, Price and Riccardi say: Don’t say anything. But if you’re not reaching out, you’re probably missing out.

“Don’t be afraid to ask people things,” Riccardi says. “The worst thing is that you might offend them, which you probably won’t if you ask with genuine curiosity.”

But if you just stay quiet and don’t ask any questions?

“You’re missing two things: You’re not learning and you risk not connecting,” he says. “The easy way out is not to ask, but your life would not be richer, and you could potentially miss out on a connection. We are human beings, after all—we are social animals. We thrive on connections.”

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