51吃瓜

Ah, the teen years! The years when your bubbly, smiling child turns into a moody person who just grunts a yes or no and tries their best to avoid any interactions with their beloved parents … yes, those years. How can we, as parents, teachers, community leaders, or family members, stay connected?

I’m a certified mediator, and have been helping people resolve their conflicts, whether at home, at work, or in a legal setting, for more than 11 years. I am also the parent of two teenagers and have brought many of my professional skills into my own home. I know how hard it can be to approach teenage discord in a civil and effective manner. But it is possible!

Understand the Changing Dynamics

The first thing I tell parents (and remind myself!) is that we need to adjust our relationship with our growing children. We need to provide guidance via suggestions, not orders.

Until a certain age, many children happily parrot their parents’ ideas. The adolescent years are when they begin to think more independently and have opinions separate from their parents’. As they start thinking differently and begin questioning which values to cherish and which to discard, we need to have deeper conversations with them if we hope to continue having an influence over them.

And as difficult as it seems during these years, adjusting our own attitudes and behaviors will help build a trusting and open relationship with your teens.

Here are some tips to help you talk and listen to your teenager.

1

Admittedly, not all of our kids’ interests are going to intersect with ours. I have two boys who are gamers, and I have no interest at all in gaming. One thing I could do to connect more deeply with them is to sit and play video games with them. However, to be completely honest, I don’t think I could stomach that. So instead, I ask them about what games they are into. I also make a point of watching movies together and then asking them what they did or did not like. I show a deep interest in their interests, ideas, and opinions.

2

Few things cause a teenager to distance themselves from a parent faster than feeling judged. They can sense if we feel they’re making bad decisions, or if we imply they’re not as smart as we are, or if we act as if they’re just naive. So just turn off those thoughts while talking with your teen, and practice active listening.

3

Show an interest in who they are and who they are becoming. Even if they don’t have the same opinions as you or make the same decisions you might, resist the urge to tell them they’re wrong. If you approach them with curiosity, they are more likely to feel safe engaging with you and opening up about their thoughts. If they feel you will criticize their ideas or not take them seriously, they will choose to keep those ideas locked inside and not share them with you.

4

If your teen expresses a negative thought or idea, suppress the impulse to share a more positive view. Really listen and empathize with them. For example, if your teen says, “I hate my math teacher!” instead of responding with something like, “I am sure your math teacher is doing the best they can. You really shouldn’t hate anyone,” say something along the lines of, “Really? Why?”

Once they open up to you, you can use phrases showing you empathize with their feelings, such as “Wow, that sounds awful. It sounds like you are not feeling supported in class by this teacher.”

5

Once you are able to get your teen to open up about their feelings, you can also start to ask deeper questions to help them advocate for themselves. These questions might sound like, “What do you need to feel more successful?” “What would help you in this matter?”

Perhaps your teen will come up with some ideas on how to empower themselves. But if not, don’t pressure them. Sometimes, they just need a place to vent and not problem-solve. Pressuring them to come up with solutions doesn’t create a safe space to express their emotions, and the next time you ask them to share, you may find them withholding their feelings.

If you find that you are in conflict with your teen more than you wish, slow down the conversation. There are several strategies you can use to do that.

• Make sure that you are not going into any conversation feeling upset or extremely emotional.
• If you do feel frustrated, take a break by saying something along the lines of, “Give me a minute. I will be right back,” or “I can’t respond right now. I need a time out.” When you take a break, use deep breathing techniques to re-regulate yourself. One way is to inhale on a count of four, hold for a count of five, and exhale on a count of six. Just doing this for three cycles can help you bring your emotions back down.
• Once you come back to the conversation, make sure you repeat back everything you heard before you respond. This usually sounds like, “Let me make sure I understood what you said. What I heard you say was …” After you repeat everything back, you might conclude with, “Is that correct?” Once your teen responds in the affirmative, you can then respond with your own thoughts.
• If your teen is the one upset in the conversation, repeating back what they said to you will help bring down their emotions, and make them feel more heard and seen. Furthermore, it ensures that there is clear communication going back and forth.
• When you are talking to anyone who is upset, speak slower. Their ability to process information is typically diminished due to high emotions, so speaking at a normal rate will likely mean they are processing only half the information coming at them.
• Finally, try using the four steps of to connect. It is also a great way to model healthy communication methods. Example:
  1. Make a neutral observation: “When you raise your voice when speaking to me …”
  2. State the emotion you are feeling: “It makes me feel disrespected.”
  3. State what you need emotionally: “I need to feel respected by my kids.”
  4. If needed, make the request: “Could you please lower your voice when speaking to me?”

This methodology works very well to connect people to each other by using vulnerability and honesty. Anger is typically masking another, more vulnerable emotion, so if you are able to get beneath anger and express what is really happening to you, your child will also react differently. Anger will create defensiveness in another, but vulnerability will create connection.

If you are able to leave judgment at the door and come to every conversation with curiosity and openness, you will have more success connecting with your teen. Allow your teen to become the authority on some topics and you just listen. They will appreciate you for making a safe space for them to express themselves and share their ideas with you.

Yes, teenagers often speak in grunts and find parents annoying, but they are becoming amazing and interesting people. Take advantage of the new relationship!

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